Crisis of Confidence

When I was studying for my A Levels I completely lost my ability to play in front of people. I used to dread doing practical lessons in school because I was suddenly hyper aware of not being as good as other people in my class (it didn’t help that my class teacher was also a flautist, and amazing, and even though she had a lot more experience than I, I kept comparing my standard to hers). In all this I never stopped playing but I did have to hide when practising which became a bit of an issue when it came to checking my progress. It took a long time for me to regain my confidence and some very patient handling from some very special staff to help me over come this but over come it I did and I will always be grateful for the help I received as it enabled me to go on and fulfil my career ambition.

Fast forward to the present day and it is like I am reliving that same experience but this time from a running perspective…

At the beginning of the year I blogged about being a bit too hard on myself after a Parkrun and how I had set targets for the year to ensure I enjoyed this fitness journey rather than putting too much pressure on myself and yet now I feel that no amount of positive thinking is helping me over come this crisis of confidence.

I enjoyed a lovely little plod with some of the purple family last night; it was a 2 mile loop around Bangor designed to get us warmed up if we were staying for hills or just have company if we were not. I chatted the whole way round and didn’t stop for any walking breaks therefore proving that I can keep a consistent pace when I put my mind to it. However, at the end of the first loop I didn’t want to carry on. We had twenty minutes, I knew I was physically capable of doing another loop but there was something in me that would not continue. I was sitting waiting for the others and could not help but think how much better off they are not needing to slow down for me. When they returned I could not face sticking around and asked Jayne to take me home. Essentially, I ran away. It’s so sad when you come to the realisation that your confidence has gone on vacation. The most frustrating aspect about this is not knowing why….

I love running. It is the best thing I have ever applied myself to. I don’t intend to give up because I have reached a little hurdle but I suspect this might be something that takes a little time to mend. I really don’t want to end up sounding like a broken record and boring people with my woes so I will try to plod and get myself back on track. I’m hoping that the blog will help to remind me how things have improved!

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